Fear a political feud at Thanksgiving table? Michigan experts offer advice

• With the holidays approaching, having conversations about politics with family members  can be difficult  
• If you can’t avoid the conversation completely, Michigan experts suggest reminiscing about shared stories and memories
• Going into the conversation with an open mind, willing to learn may also help divert any tension 

The rule of thumb for most gatherings is to avoid controversial topics like religion and politics, but for some people the conversation is unavoidable.

Navigating political conversations is hard enough, but having to do so with family adds another layer of difficulty.

Wayne State psychology professor Rheeda Walker said it’s better to go into these conversations with the intent to learn something rather than trying to convince someone of your views. 

No judgment, less emotion

“It's helpful when you know you're about to approach a difficult conversation to … remind the person and yourself of the nature of the relationship and how important they are. Establish that as a foundation,” Walker said. 

 “We really need to slow things down and hear one another and hear one another in a way that's not judgmental.”

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Oftentimes, when people come across someone with different political views they tend to take it personally, which can cause friction and make it harder to hear the person out. However, removing emotions from the conversation could create a better understanding. 

“The challenge has been people being concerned about how someone else's values mean that they don't love them,” she said. “When you get into that space of not judging the other person, you use your vulnerability by saying, ‘when you say that you believe this, it breaks my heart because,’ fill in the blank.” 

Political conversations can be very uncomfortable so there is  no “right time” to have these conversations but, Walker said, it’s best to do it after dinner when people are less irritable —  or over a game of cards, when people may be more lighthearted. 

“When people are having a good time, then that obviously puts them in a better mood emotionally because then maybe they have the capacity to have some jokes,” Walker said. 

Pivot to family stories 

Sometimes the holidays are one of the few times of the year that families get together. For some, it can be emotional thinking about family members who are no longer there to celebrate. 

Rather than have conversations about politics, it can be comforting to reminisce over family stories and memories. 

“One of the main things I'm encouraging people to do this year is really thinking about their goals for the interaction, for their family time and then for any given conversation they're having,” Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, communication professor at Michigan State University. 

“Thinking about funny family stories and past vacations or trips or experiences you've had … think about some of these topics that might allow you to feel that sense of connection without engaging in conflict,” she said. 

Have an ally 

But if avoiding those conversations is completely out of the question, having an ally in the family who shares the same views as you can help ease some of the tension these conversations may bring. 

“Just knowing they're there  not even talking to them about it in front of everybody but knowing that you're not alone … can be really helpful,” Hall said.